Forgive me, for this post was written amongst tremendous mental spiritual warfare. I feel as though I cannot get one complete thought down without a wave of doubt and inadequacy filling my soul. I have wanted to write for a while now, but have been so overcome with sadness and frustration in almost every aspect of my life that I would blame my inability to sit down and actually do something on not having enough time. The fact that I’m even writing something right now probably makes the devil pretty scared, so here goes nothing.
Who am I? This is the question that has been nagging me for about 2 weeks. Life circumstances have given me, oh so generously, the opportunity to take a step back and analyze myself. I don’t know if I’m the only one, but when I think about analyzing myself, I want to mentally run the other way and analyze the next episode of The Fosters on Netflix, which is what I’ve been doing for the past 2 weeks. I don’t want to face myself. I don’t want to figure out something else about myself that needs a little tending to. I thought surely by now, after those fundamental years of high school, and life-discerning years of college, I would have a perfectly orchestrated answer to this question.
So why can’t I give you my perfectly orchestrated response? I am not afraid to admit this anymore, because I know I’m not the only one, but I have never known a life without a safe place, a crutch, or anything that is tangible to me that I can always come back to to find stability in a scary world. For me, that has always been a boy. For you, it could be a job, alcohol, drugs, money, you name it. You know what it is. I have spent my life from the time I was old enough to see everyone was in a relationship except me until the present searching for “The One.” It’s okay, I’m rolling my eyes at myself too.
My answer to who I am has always been the name of the boy I’m dating at the time. No, not literally, but in my heart I’ve known it all along. I’ve denied its danger for a while. I’ve carried this self-proclaimed label of “the girl who’s always in a relationship” around like a weight that I don’t want to drop for years and have consciously decided that I might as well live up to the name.
So where do I go from here? If you’re in my shoes, where do you go from here? I would not be fulfilling the mission of this blog if I didn’t at least try to walk through this with you. I do not have all of the answers, but I want to encourage anyone that feels the same way I do in a world that has an answer for everything.
That weight that you’re carrying around that you’re afraid to drop because you’ve carried it for so long…you need to drop it. It is going to hurt; maybe like nothing else has hurt you before. It’s a new kind of pain; the sting of shame and guilt. You’re going to feel weird for a while, maybe even numb. Because you’ve been carrying the weight for so long, it’s only expected that you’d be sore after working so hard to hold onto it. Let it go. You’re strong enough now.
Speaking of strong, start looking for your actual strengths. What are you good at? What personality traits have you developed over time that haven’t left your blooming persona in an age of emerging adulthood? (Side note: Adulting requires change so your personality traits will change over time, and that’s ok. I’m asking you to dig deep and find the patterns in your behavior that have caused you to act a certain way for a long period of time, good or bad.) Start brainstorming how you can use your wonderfully made personality and your God-given strengths to establish a purpose, mission, or passion. Now ask God how to fulfill it. That’s who you are. That’s what you’re here for.
So without a relationship, who am I? Who are you? Here’s what I’ve established so far. I am the author of this blog, which I started about a year ago because I learned that I’m passionate about something. I am just one girl, uniquely created by God, called to help and encourage one other girl who will help one other girl, who will help another, because my strengths are empathy, encouragement, and sensitivity. I am totally dependent on God for the rest of my life, not some gorgeous red-headed boy that will never be able to fulfill the desires of my heart, no matter how patient, empathetic, and caring he is, bless his heart. I am loved, cherished, fought for, unique, and worth it, and this last statement is something that you are too. Reader, friend, and sister, I hope you find you.
“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.”
1 Peter 2:9