This week has not been my favorite. I keep feeling like I’m on fire for God during like a ten minute period of the day and then something annoying/frustrating happens and automatically that fire turns into the side of a candle light. I know for sure I’m a Christian and the Holy Spirit doesn’t just leave me when something bad happens, but it is becoming increasingly recognizable how easy it is to worship when things are good and pause to think about why I’m worshipping when things are bad.
I don’t know if ya’ll have ever had anything valuable to you that has been stolen, but that was my week this week. It was the weirdest thing! I went to the gym to go workout (you know…cause working out is a good thing and that means I can enjoy the big things in life like pizza later on) and I went back to my locker after I was done and the things I put in there were gone! At first I though, okay, God is testing my patience, I’ll go to the front desk and we’ll find it. Well, after going through every locker, my stuff was still no where to be found. I’ve been praying, and praying, and praying, God please, I’m trusting you, I need my stuff back. Nothing.
While telling all of my friends the convincing story, “oh you know, it’s no big deal the stuff is temporary,” I find myself digging a deeper hole to get out of. Each time I say that I created a newfound pressure to be happy and positive all the time. While this is the outcome that most anxious and depressed people strive to achieve, it doesn’t mean that this attitude is easy to accomplish. It seems as though I expect others to be upset when something bad happens to them, but I won’t let myself grieve over the littlest thing.
Everything and everyone is telling me either that my stuff will be found, that they’re praying for me, and the Bible even says rejoice in your time of tribulation (Romans 12:12, ESV). For me though, and I don’t know if it’s conviction, or just stress, but I do not feel joyful. And it’s not because I doubt God or I’m losing my faith. I believe that God is good all the time and He brings us out of dark situations, which is why I have this blog; it is the light at the end of my depression from my father passing away. I just want to feel on fire again, and for more than ten minutes!
I have seen people who are truly and deeply in love with God and they can preach to a crowd about how we should all go out into the world and love on people, and that’s great, it really is, but right now, I need someone to love on me, because I can’t love on you guys until the love of God is put back into me again for another 10 minutes, and then maybe the more I feel loved the more my fire will burn. It’s not just love from fellow Christians that I need to feel though, and I’m not saying that I’m going to stop loving others because I’m not in the best “Christian” mood, if you will. I just want earnestly to feel the love of God all day every day and that’s going to take some time. I also just want to say that it’s okay to ask for love and help when you’re struggling. Nothing we do on earth is done alone, and God places people in our lives for a purpose every time.
I am so blessed to have the friends that I do to cry with me on the sad days and rejoice with me on the good ones; to feel meh on the meh days, and bored on the boring days. I am definitely not complaining because I am so blessed to even go to a Christian University where I can feel on fire for God for as much as ten minutes. I am blessed to have the opportunity to be in a leadership position where I can pray for other girls my age and younger! I am so blessed, but I am so stressed, and I am sick of feeling like that is a good enough reason to not reach out to you guys and pray with you and for you. Can I get an AMEN?? 🙂
Just a side note, my image for this post was inspired by this song I have fallen in love with. Check it out! Fierce – Jesus Culture
God Bless all of you, my beloved GADGirls.
1 Corinthians 13:13 (NIV), “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”