Depression Still Hurts

Tonight I was on the phone with my boyfriend talking about myself (don’t judge, we’re all a little selfish sometimes) and I figured out some things that I don’t like…besides the fact that I have terrible anxiety, have suffered depression, and have encountered grief. This is a bit more minor…I think.9704e5d1f946c7b02a5d202ed5194ea8 I guess it’s for you to decide.

I have this tendency to be passionate about a lot of things, and if I’m not passionate about it, then I have a deep hatred for it. Does that make sense? No? Good, because I’m going to tell a story anyway. This is currently where I’m coming from: recently my school has been in the media due to remarks made my our president: Jerry Falwell Jr. If that didn’t give away where I go to school then congratulations, you don’t have Facebook. I find myself so passionate about my school and my friends that go here that anyone who is opposed to Jerry is opposed to me and that offends me. I don’t know why, and I don’t know how, so let’s dig a little bit deeper.

Back in middle school, I lived a life surrounded by great people. I had both of my parents, I went to a Christian school, and church was a thing every Sunday. I knew that even if people were mean to me, it was okay because I was going to be nice back. I got picked on for letting people walk all over me, but that really didn’t bother me either because I knew if I was a nice person, life would be good. I think I was taught to be that way.

Then one day, high school hit me really hard. A lot of bad things happened. I got my first boyfriend, and then for some reason, everybody really didn’t like that. There are a lot of reasons why, but I’m not going to expose that part of my story quite yet. I’m just going to focus on my point for telling you this; it’s because when I got my first boyfriend my defensive instincts finally set in. Someone I deeply loved was under fire and that was not okay with me, so I finally stood up for myself and my relationship with this boy. People were being mean, and meaner than they were in middle school, and I had bottled it up for a long time and I couldn’t take anymore. I was done being the nice girl, and I was going to show everyone who I really was. (I am not advising this; this turned out to be a pretty bad idea in the long run.) 

Puberty is rough; it’s where we are trying to figure out who we really are. I had found it (LOL). I was ready to take on the world and fight the mean people and convince them that I knew what I was doing and that I was right and there was no stopping me. 

Tonight, I am proud of myself. I was able to take something that was painful to remember and trace it back to its roots. For those of you who have ever been to counseling for grief or depression; this is a huge step so rejoice with me! 

To this day I am unable to take my shoes off and wear someone else’s and walk in them, or see through the eyes of another, or be kind for the sake of being kind. A lot has happened in my life since I was 13, but I find myself making that excuse too often. I genuinely want to be able to be nice in the face of oppression; whether it be religious or just plain unnecessary. 

I guess I just don’t understand why the world seems to become more dangerous, more promiscuous, more unjust, and more unGodly the older I get. Is it because I finally know who I am? Is it because my brain is actually more mature than it was back then? Is it just a lesson God is trying to teach me? Friends, I don’t have the answers, and I’m not going to lie, that REALLY bothers me. It bothers me that I’m extremely passionate about things, and when others aren’t I hate it. I don’t understand why they don’t understand me. This whole premise put me into the depression I had just 2 years ago.

Why don’t others see Christianity like I do? Why do people like dogs over cats? Why do some people hate Taylor Swift? Why is everyone bashing my school? Why can’t I change any of your minds?

Well…it’s not my job to change your mind. It is my job to love. That is my calling. 

Matthew 22:36-40: “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

As I am reminded by someone dear to me tonight, there is hope for me…and if you’re anything like me, there’s hope for you too. Through all of the evil, prosecution, arguing, and discontentment in life, it is important to be reminded that our lives are temporary (2 Cor. 4:18), and that God is the ultimate judge (James 4:12).

To those I have offended, mistreated, been mean to, and judged:  I just tried to give you my shoes to put on, but not to excuse my behavior, just so I could make a genuine public apology. I’m sorry.

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